


Four Times Dean Winchester Didn't Say "I Love You" (and One Time He Did)

by fits_in_frames



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Gen, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-02-01
Updated: 2007-02-01
Packaged: 2018-01-21 12:03:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1549817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fits_in_frames/pseuds/fits_in_frames
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three words shouldn't be this hard to say.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Four Times Dean Winchester Didn't Say "I Love You" (and One Time He Did)

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers through "Playthings".

**I.**  
He clings to his mother's dress as she guides him with a gentle hand on his shoulder. He doesn't understand why they have to walk so much; Grandma drove them past the crowd of people where Daddy will be soon, and Mommy's belly is so big and his legs are tired. An old, kind-looking man wearing a cap and holding a newspaper under his arm stands up from the only bench on the block when he sees them coming and offers it to Mommy. She takes it, graciously, and hoists Dean up on her knee. And then they wait.

The bus pulls up to the curb after what seems like forever. Dean leaps out of his mother's lap and darts through the crowd, calling out for his Daddy. He hears Mommy yell for him to come back, but he ignores her. The only thing on his mind is finding his father. Which he does. He clings to his leg and Daddy has to peel him off just so he can walk. He shifts his bag, picks Dean up, balances him on his hip.

"Hey big man," he says, and kisses Dean's temple. He throws his arms around his father's neck as he starts walking towards Mommy.

"How was St. Louis?" Mommy asks, helping Dean get down to the ground.

"Lonely," Daddy says, and kisses her, resting a hand on her belly. "I missed you. All three of you," he whispers and smiles down at Dean. Dean smiles back. "Love you," he says.

"We love you too, right Dean?"

Dean doesn't know what that word means, but he takes Mommy's hand and nods anyway.

 

 **II.**  
He lost his virginity in Charlotte, North Carolina. Her name was Stephanie, she was two years his senior, and she was a cheerleader. She had enormous tits and he just couldn't stop thinking about her. He would sneak over to the high school in the evenings to watch practice. She caught him, once, watching her as she stretched after practice, and pinned him to a pole under the bleachers. She ran her tongue up his cheek and told him to meet her at her car.

They fucked for ten minutes in the backseat, and it wasn't great sex (even he knew that), but it was sex and that was all that mattered. Afterwards, when they were dressed again, she lit a cigarette and offered him a toke. He refused.

The next week they left Charlotte and he never heard from her again.

 

 **III.**  
Cassie was probably the only woman he ever really loved. He'll never admit that, of course, but it's true, and he feels it curl up in the ends of his toes when he makes love to a waitress or a flight attendant or a secretary. He remembers the day he left, as he fucks these other women, pictures her sad face in his mind, her full lips, her usually-bright eyes dull with rejection. When he kisses them, he remembers how he tried to kiss her and how she slapped him and walked away. When they moan into his shoulder or around his cock, he remembers the way she ignored him and got in her car. And when he grunts _fuck_ just as he comes, it's only an echo of the words on the tip of his tongue that day.

 

 **IV.**  
He didn't tell Sammy or Bobby when she was done. He opened the door, squeaked it a few times. He decided not to oil it and got in the front seat. It smelled like old sneakers and rubber cement and sawdust, but he didn't really care. He put the key in the ignition (he'd been keeping it in his pocket during the day, wearing on a chain around his neck at night and in the shower) and started her up. She growled to life, and he touched the dashboard like he did the first time Dad let him sit up front. As he put her into gear, he murmured all the half-truths that had been boiling up inside him since she went away, grateful to finally have his confidant back.

And as he drove out of Bobby's lot to take her for a spin, he thought that this must be what home feels like.

 

 **V.**  
He stalks the hallway, the beam of his flashlight quavering slightly. The gun in his other hand feels exceptionally heavy. He swallows something that almost tastes like fear and stops to listen to dull footsteps echoing against the marble walls. His stomach clenches. There is no turning back now.

He turns a corner, and there it is. It cracks its neck vertebrae and says, "I know you're there, Dean."

The thing turns around and Sam's face is looking at him, eyes white and glowing in the dark. But this isn't Sam. It hasn't been Sam for weeks. He's tried everything--exorcism, holy water, daggers of ten different kinds of metal, hell, he even tried throwing salt on him once. He tried to save Sammy, he really did, and he almost killed himself at least a dozen times in the process. He hasn't slept in two days, hasn't eaten in three, hasn't bathed in well over a week. He bites his tongue.

Not-Sam keeps walking towards him, slowly, silently. Dean doesn't move. And then the real Sam breaks through--a snatch of his former self, something Dean hasn't seen for days. He looks terrified, and Dean tries to force back the lump in his throat.

"Dean," Sam says, "don't do this."

"I'm sorry, Sam," he says, attributing the crack in his voice to not speaking for two days.

"Dean," Sam says, begging, "Dean, please..."

"No, Sammy. We both know this is the only way."

Sam twitches, and Dean knows the thing inside him is coming back. He cocks the trigger. Sam still looks scared shitless, but he nods anyway. "Yeah," he says, "I know."

"Hey Sam," Dean says, softly.

"Yeah?"

"You remember when we were kids and you swallowed a silver bullet and we were convinced you were going to die?"

Sam snorts, looks at his hands. "Yeah, I remember."

"Sam," Dean says flatly.

Sam looks up at him and his whole body convulses. He's fighting so hard, but he'll never win.

Dean swallows again, this time tasting nothing at all. "I love you."

Sam opens his mouth to say something, but then Not-Sam takes his place and the gunshot is so loud that Dean doesn't know if the ringing in his ears will ever stop.


End file.
